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Author
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Topic: Things not to say to your wife
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jama
Open Line Veteran
Member # 1957
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posted September 28, 2007 09:44 AM
Last night the power went out in our house. My wife was in the office and I was in the living room. She yelled in to me to tell me that something was beeping in the office. Regrettably, I said, "are you walking backwards?" I knew as soon as I said it that it was a very wrong thing to say.
Any others out there?
Posts: 1555 | From: NE | Registered: Aug 2002
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NewsMom
Member
Member # 3560
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posted September 28, 2007 09:46 AM
When your wife is in hard labor, everything you say is wrong.
But particularly, what my hubby said.
Watching the fetal monitor, he could "see" contractions before I felt them.
With a huge smile and enthusiasm, he cheers: "Oh, here comes a BIG one"
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"If your mother says she loves you, check it out." A.A. Dornfeld, City News Bureau of Chicago
Posts: 460 | From: The East Coast | Registered: Jun 2003
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Kace
Open Line Veteran
Member # 7837
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posted September 28, 2007 09:47 AM
A vaccum for her birthday. The gift that keeps on giving.
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55 Days To Season 5!
Our Main Event! (11/12/2007)
NCAA Basketball - Charlotte
Appalachian State Mountaineers At Charlotte 49ers
Posts: 9806 | From: The Planet | Registered: Jan 2005
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Spike
Open Line Veteran
Member # 3434
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posted September 28, 2007 10:03 AM
Don't ever joke about her mental illness.
Don't ever tell her she's wrong.
Don't answer at all if she asks if something makes her look fat.
In fact, just stop talking altogether and rely on a pattern of grunts.
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Always watch television in a bright room with a dark heart.
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LENSCRAFTER
Open Line Veteran
Member # 6078
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posted September 28, 2007 10:08 AM
quote:
Originally posted by jama:
Last night the power went out in our house. My wife was in the office and I was in the living room. She yelled in to me to tell me that something was beeping in the office. Regrettably, I said, "are you walking backwards?" I knew as soon as I said it that it was a very wrong thing to say.
Any others out there?
Oh wow.
Not a wife... but when my best friend was pregnant she called me one day screaming and crying. She was worried she was not going to be a good mother.
I told her everytning would be fine. She would be a great mother. Perhaps she was just hormonal.
For some reason she did NOT like that.
Posts: 2952 | From: NC | Registered: May 2004
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Vulcan
Open Line Veteran
Member # 49
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posted September 28, 2007 10:13 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Kace:
A vacuum for her birthday. The gift that keeps on giving.
I gave my wife a new vacuum for her birthday last year. She absolutely loved it. The old one did not suck, and the new one certainly does.
Don't discount the practical - but make sure she wants it. Or you suck.
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A few sharp thoughts about communications
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2006 Tally - BarkieDawg Lifetime Achievement Award.
"I feel old now."
Posts: 5535 | From: Free from the Island | Registered: Oct 2000
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Gil
Senior Member
Member # 1506
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posted September 28, 2007 10:13 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
Don't answer at all if she asks if something makes her look fat.
I have a friend whose wife once asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
His answer was, "No, your ass makes you look fat."
He didn't say how long that new stage of their relationship lasted...
Posts: 1323 | From: Land of beer and bratwurst | Registered: Mar 2002
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writer2
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5966
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posted September 28, 2007 10:29 AM
Ladies--never comment on the size of anything below the waist on a guy. Ever. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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Panic early and beat the rush.
Posts: 6434 | From: death valley | Registered: Apr 2004
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cinehead
Senior Member
Member # 2515
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posted September 28, 2007 10:29 AM
The only two phrases TO say to your wife, told to me by a close friend on my wedding day:
"Yes, dear"
"Sure, let's get two"
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Posts: 1396 | From: Lost in America | Registered: Dec 2002
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jama
Open Line Veteran
Member # 1957
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posted September 28, 2007 10:31 AM
quote:
Originally posted by writer2:
Ladies--never comment on the size of anything below the waist on a guy. Ever.
What's wrong with my feet?
Posts: 1555 | From: NE | Registered: Aug 2002
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newz2me
Member
Member # 14479
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posted September 28, 2007 10:42 AM
Went to an auto show this past spring and was looking at the new Saturn Sky and said to my wife that I would love one of those. She says "it only seats 2 and there's 3 of us." I reply "who said you were coming along."
I made sure to cover my ribs before I said that. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posts: 224 | From: Just North of Insanity | Registered: Mar 2007
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Mom
Open Line Veteran
Member # 553
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posted September 28, 2007 10:48 AM
quote:
Originally posted by NewsMom:
When your wife is in hard labor, everything you say is wrong.
But particularly, what my hubby said.
Watching the fetal monitor, he could "see" contractions before I felt them.
With a huge smile and enthusiasm, he cheers: "Oh, here comes a BIG one"
My hubby did the same thing only he was looking at the monitor and saying, "This isn't such a big one. It shouldn't hurt much at all." ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Posts: 1855 | From: south | Registered: Jun 2001
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Clever Login Name
Open Line Veteran
Member # 6236
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posted September 28, 2007 11:05 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Mom:
quote:
Originally posted by NewsMom:
When your wife is in hard labor, everything you say is wrong.
But particularly, what my hubby said.
Watching the fetal monitor, he could "see" contractions before I felt them.
With a huge smile and enthusiasm, he cheers: "Oh, here comes a BIG one"
My hubby did the same thing only he was looking at the monitor and saying, "This isn't such a big one. It shouldn't hurt much at all."
Been there, done that. Still bear the scars. To my credit, it was during our first child. By #s 2, 3 and 4, I'd learned my lesson.
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Fred Thompson has released a comprehensive plan to save Social Security: Kill old hippies.
Posts: 4500 | From: Santa Poco, Mexico | Registered: May 2004
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writer2
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5966
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posted September 28, 2007 11:10 AM
quote:
Originally posted by jama:
quote:
Originally posted by writer2:
Ladies--never comment on the size of anything below the waist on a guy. Ever.
What's wrong with my feet?
Nothing, Jama. They're ENORMOUS. I've never seen anything like them! (Ladies, are you taking notes?)
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Panic early and beat the rush.
Posts: 6434 | From: death valley | Registered: Apr 2004
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theultimatetruth
Senior Member
Member # 1400
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posted September 28, 2007 11:22 AM
Before a lovemaking session: Hey Honey, can you shave it, wash it, scrub it, disinfect it, and make it smell nice? Trust me, it won't be received enthusiastically.
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Pass or get out of the way!!!
Posts: 593 | From: Sunny Florida | Registered: Feb 2002
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Angel's Hell
Open Line Veteran
Member # 1694
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posted September 28, 2007 11:28 AM
quote:
Originally posted by writer2:
Ladies--never comment on the size of anything below the waist on a guy. Ever.
How about in retaliation for something ugly they've said to you?
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The place where the sun rises....
Posts: 1907 | From: Paradise | Registered: Jul 2002
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jama
Open Line Veteran
Member # 1957
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posted September 28, 2007 11:33 AM
Retaliation is such an ugly thing. Besides, I'm like rubber, you're like glue, whatever you say bounces off our enormous penises and sticks to you.
Posts: 1555 | From: NE | Registered: Aug 2002
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Lazlo Toth
Open Line Veteran
Member # 4867
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posted September 28, 2007 11:49 AM
If my wife asks if something makes her look fat, I put my hand on my chest and say, "I think I'm having chest pains. Should we call an ambulance?"
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Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason, and invective for documentation than in politics. This a realm, peopled only by villains or heroes, in which everything is black or white and gray is a forbidden color.
-- John Mason Brown, Through These Men (1956)
Posts: 7959 | From: SF Bay Area | Registered: Nov 2003
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writer2
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5966
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posted September 28, 2007 12:12 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Lazlo Toth:
If my wife asks if something makes her look fat, I put my hand on my chest and say, "I think I'm having chest pains. Should we call an ambulance?"
Laz has been smokin' hot lately! LOL! ![[worship]](graemlins/icon_pray.gif)
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Panic early and beat the rush.
Posts: 6434 | From: death valley | Registered: Apr 2004
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DoneThatToo
Senior Member
Member # 4060
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posted September 28, 2007 12:14 PM
Something not to my wife but from her.
Last night we were watching 'Earl' and she asked me about on of the jokes. I explained it to her and her reply . . .
"You have to be moron to think like that!"
Guess I was put in my place. ![[Whistle]](graemlins/eusa_whistle.gif)
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“I had a horse
Named Bad Luck
She weren't good lookin'
But she sure could buck
Yahoo hey hey
Yippee yi cy yey”
Posts: 1169 | From: Here, There and Everywhere | Registered: Aug 2003
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rawhead rex
Senior Member
Member # 12152
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posted September 28, 2007 12:25 PM
If she ever asks about "after I'm gone" will you let her live in my house, cook in my kitchen, sleep in my bed, reassure her you will allow none of these things and be sure if she asks whether you will let her replacment use her golf clubs, you don't mention her replacement is left-handed
Posts: 1357 | From: oklahoma city | Registered: Nov 2006
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Gil
Senior Member
Member # 1506
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posted September 28, 2007 12:29 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Lazlo Toth:
If my wife asks if something makes her look fat, I put my hand on my chest and say, "I think I'm having chest pains. Should we call an ambulance?"
I always say, "Warning! Warning! Will, Penney, back to the ship!"
Posts: 1323 | From: Land of beer and bratwurst | Registered: Mar 2002
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jama
Open Line Veteran
Member # 1957
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posted September 28, 2007 12:31 PM
quote:
Originally posted by rawhead rex:
If she ever asks about "after I'm gone" will you let her live in my house, cook in my kitchen, sleep in my bed, reassure her you will allow none of these things and be sure if she asks whether you will let her replacment use her golf clubs, you don't mention her replacement is left-handed
That reminds me of this commercial
Posts: 1555 | From: NE | Registered: Aug 2002
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Pro
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5396
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posted September 28, 2007 02:08 PM
What about what wives should never say to their husbands?
Works both ways, you know.
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lucandor
Member
Member # 2770
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posted September 28, 2007 02:14 PM
I tell all my friends who are getting married that the secret to a happy life are those three little words:
"I'm sorry, dear."
Posts: 459 | From: The Big City (for me) | Registered: Feb 2003
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rawhead rex
Senior Member
Member # 12152
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posted September 28, 2007 02:32 PM
Even when you are right!
Posts: 1357 | From: oklahoma city | Registered: Nov 2006
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Tripe Face
Open Line Veteran
Member # 3328
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posted September 28, 2007 02:40 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
Don't answer at all if she asks if something makes her look fat.
The answer to that question is: "No honey those slacks don't make you look fat" Then as you walk away, whisper to your self... "it's your ass that makes you look fat!"
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"Tripe is getting far too much attention.
There will be no dealing with him soon." Writer2 11/9/07
Posts: 9684 | From: From the Student Section of Mountaineer Stadium | Registered: Jun 2003
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Tripe Face
Open Line Veteran
Member # 3328
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posted September 28, 2007 02:44 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Angel's Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by writer2:
Ladies--never comment on the size of anything below the waist on a guy. Ever.
How about in retaliation for something ugly they've said to you?
Goshnamnit... will you leave already!
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"Tripe is getting far too much attention.
There will be no dealing with him soon." Writer2 11/9/07
Posts: 9684 | From: From the Student Section of Mountaineer Stadium | Registered: Jun 2003
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William_Jefferson_Clinton
Member
Member # 17025
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posted September 28, 2007 02:58 PM
I often wonder? What would it be like?
...to have sex with my own wife ... in the
Oval Office?
Posts: 64 | From: Under aDDress | Registered: Sep 2007
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Aholeindhead
Member
Member # 6800
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posted September 28, 2007 04:20 PM
Life's a b!tch, then you marry one! My dad said that in earshot of mom. What a fight that was!
[ September 28, 2007, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Aholeindhead ]
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The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It's half way to the next!
Posts: 287 | From: Woodstock | Registered: Aug 2004
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Signature on File
Open Line Veteran
Member # 6488
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posted September 28, 2007 04:34 PM
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby. And yes that mini-skirt looks good on her.....your hips are too big.
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Steve Fossett has just set a new record. Winner of the 2007 Nevada "Hide & Seek" Championship.
Posts: 5477 | From: Zxracradia | Registered: Jun 2004
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Brain Cramp
Senior Member
Member # 3988
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posted September 28, 2007 04:35 PM
Something you should never say to a man who's driving:
"Honey, why don't you stop at that gas station and ask for directions?"
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et tu Brute?
Posts: 1466 | From: my own backyard | Registered: Aug 2003
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Lazlo Toth
Open Line Veteran
Member # 4867
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posted September 28, 2007 08:19 PM
"You gotta admit. Your little sister's really hot."
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Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason, and invective for documentation than in politics. This a realm, peopled only by villains or heroes, in which everything is black or white and gray is a forbidden color.
-- John Mason Brown, Through These Men (1956)
Posts: 7959 | From: SF Bay Area | Registered: Nov 2003
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Lazlo Toth
Open Line Veteran
Member # 4867
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posted September 28, 2007 08:20 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Aholeindhead:
Life's a b!tch, then you marry one! My dad said that in earshot of mom. What a fight that was!
Never said it to my wife, but I once said to a really rude lady on the BART train, "Life's a ***** and then you are one."
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Nowhere are prejudices more mistaken for truth, passion for reason, and invective for documentation than in politics. This a realm, peopled only by villains or heroes, in which everything is black or white and gray is a forbidden color.
-- John Mason Brown, Through These Men (1956)
Posts: 7959 | From: SF Bay Area | Registered: Nov 2003
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rawhead rex
Senior Member
Member # 12152
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posted September 28, 2007 08:20 PM
Or something you should say when you are going somewhere together in the car and she asks:"Why don't we sit close together anymore?"
If you don't have bucket seats, "I didn't move."
Posts: 1357 | From: oklahoma city | Registered: Nov 2006
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Brooklyn74
Open Line Veteran
Member # 10228
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posted September 28, 2007 11:05 PM
quote:
Originally posted by NewsMom:
When your wife is in hard labor, everything you say is wrong.
But particularly, what my hubby said.
Watching the fetal monitor, he could "see" contractions before I felt them.
With a huge smile and enthusiasm, he cheers: "Oh, here comes a BIG one"
With our first child, my wife was induced into labor and delivered our son that night (without an epidural) in THREE pushes.
A couple of years later, my wife was again induced into labor, but this time with an epidural. As she was nearing delivery, I reminded her how our son came out in THREE pushes and I jokingly wondered aloud if she could tie or break that mark. Boy, the look of death I was given for that one!
But guess what? Our daughter came out in TWO pushes! So, me being a glutton for punishment...not too long after delivery, I again jokingly commented that I wondered if she'd be able to top that with the next one.
And...the next one is due in February. Do I dare?
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You get smaller as the world gets big
The more you know you know you don't know sh*t
"The Whiz Man" will never fit you like "The Whiz Kid" did
Posts: 1646 | From: Rockin' the Suburbs | Registered: Jun 2006
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tralala
Member
Member # 9395
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posted September 29, 2007 03:23 AM
"Honey I'm having an affair and I think I might want a divorce. But don't worry, I asked everyone at medialine to give me advice about what to do!"
Posts: 164 | From: anywhere | Registered: Dec 2005
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writer2
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5966
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posted September 29, 2007 03:25 AM
quote:
Originally posted by tralala:
"Honey I'm having an affair and I think I might want a divorce. But don't worry, I asked everyone at medialine to give me advice about what to do!"
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Panic early and beat the rush.
Posts: 6434 | From: death valley | Registered: Apr 2004
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rootboyslim
Open Line Veteran
Member # 706
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posted September 29, 2007 03:47 AM
Once a month for a couple of days, a woman's peronsality can change a bit... somewhat edgy... snappy and borderline angry. Never comment on your theories.
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It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care!
FEAR THE TURTLE!
GO TERPS!
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writer2
Open Line Veteran
Member # 5966
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posted September 29, 2007 04:49 AM
quote:
Originally posted by U of Md Terps--Let's go Maryland:
Once a month for a couple of days, a woman's peronsality can change a bit... somewhat edgy... snappy and borderline angry. Never comment on your theories.
I've heard that. But how do we explain Grumpy's personality?
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Panic early and beat the rush.
Posts: 6434 | From: death valley | Registered: Apr 2004
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